Often times we hear the word abortion and we think, “hell” or “murderer” or “if you do it too many times it will kill you. That’s God’s way of punishing you”.
I read a story a few moments ago that I could relate to. Growing up I was moulded to be a “model child”. I was expected to get good grades, lead by example when in reality I was being mentally and verbally, even physically abused by the woman who was supposed to help shape me into a strong beautiful woman. Due to this, I became vulnerable while putting on a brave face. I didn’t think I was smart enough, pretty enough or was just enough.
At the age of 22 I was still being controlled, treated like a child and due to my “carelessness” I became pregnant with my first child, a part of me knew I was pregnant but the other part refused to accept so I hid the truth for a while, when I broke free there I was at the doctor with the nurse telling me to lie back. As I did she said “your belly is too big”, as it turns out I was 5 months too late.
Fast track to two years later. I am messing around with a popular entertainer, in my eyes, he was nowhere near being a gentleman, and given the nature of his job I knew he would deny it. I had to think and do something quickly so I confided in a friend. She told me of a place and she had her other friend follow me. Heading there I was nervous I played many scenarios in my head the could have been, how did I allow my self to get here. I was scared. We arrived the place was dark and gloomy, no hint of colour or life. I pressed on none the less. I was called in the back and was told to derive from my waist and sit on the “bed” I did as I was told. The doctor was talking to me but all I could think about was how many babies were sucked out in the very spot. Before you know it, there it was a ball of blood not taking any physical human form.
I tried my best to forget as much as I could about it and I did. I lied when I went for check-ups at the doctor, it’s always that burning question “have you ever had an abortion..?” I was not remorseful at all. I was relieved. I wasn’t ready for that sort of humiliation. I moved on with my life.
So I met a guy he’s heaven-sent, I’m thinking I love this man and I just met him. We have the best time together. Three months in, there you have it. I’m pregnant, again. And this came months after the first abortion. I hated myself again. But I wanted to please him. We spoke I told him I wasn’t ready. He agreed. He gave me the money and I found myself back at the same place I went to do my first abortion, where the nurse told me I was 5 months pregnant. I sat and waited nervously, trying to compare the last abortion to this would it be the same, is it gonna hurt? What will be different? I was called to the back and was told to take all my clothes off and put on the robe. I was asked if I’m allergic to anything and was given a little white pill in the event I had an allergic reaction. I was then called to an operating room before you know it I was out.
When I woke up I had no recollection of what took place after I sat on the bed with my legs in stirrups. When I woke up I was alone. I had no one waiting for me, no support, nothing. I had to be strong. I had to haul my ass back to my safe haven. I was embarrassed to be pregnant. But also embarrassed about having an abortion or two. So I keep it too myself not being able to talk to anyone about it, I try to erase the memories of it. But I was never remorseful.