I am a mom of three. I have had two abortions before, both shortly after the birth of my children. I am a high risk mom, pregnancy was never easy and my body wasn’t ready to have more children yet.
But my third abortion… I was in love, I was freshly divorced, he was newly married. We had been together for 5 years so far. I had thought we could be together and turned a blind eye to his marriage. I didn’t even realize he had cum inside me. I had no idea. That was in November. I found out I was pregnant in late January. I thought yes it would be rough but if I had my love beside me, we could make it.
He didn’t want it. He said I could make my decision but in his opinion he didn’t want it. I was already going through co-parenting hell with my ex, I had just been confirmed in a great job, my life was just looking up. I decided to have an abortion.
Before the procedure the doctor did an ultrasound a few days before and I saw it, just what looked like a little ball. I decided to to go through with it, I was ill, tired, frumpy and couldn’t look after the kids I had.
I went in for the procedure. Counted backwards from 10 and fell under. I felt nothing. I woke up, saw the bloody tools, used the bathroom and went into the recovery room. I started to cry, I was confused. My womb was empty. What had I done? Where was my ball? I lost my shit.
I wasn’t ok for weeks. I would cry so much my six year old became concerned. A child concerned. I couldn’t eat, everything tasted like ash. My boyfriend also took it hard, even though it was his idea. He avoided me. I cried every five minutes. I wished for death every-time I fell asleep. My other paramour tried to comfort me, I rejected him. I had to go back to my doctor. He gave me pills. Life wasn’t so bad.
I popped pills and prayed until I could smile again. But my heart was always empty. My friends said it was the best thing, but I would see babies and die inside. I would be in meetings and see my baby drooling and creeping across the table.
Why had I done this, I’m successful, I could afford it, I have my own home, her/his father is a businessman, we’re both educated and over 30. I loved him/her. So call me stupid but right now I am trying to get pregnant. Things are better. He also wants a baby. Then why did we do it then? I want my baby back. None of the other abortions hurt me like this one. But I want back my baby. I hope God forgives me for going against my conscience, not for the act of aborting but for aborting a baby I wanted.