There have been a few key gems that I’ve learnt while inhabiting this skin, but the main lesson is how I perceive energy. My mind has this way of preserving the harshest and saddest moments of my life in exquisite detail as it recalls the shivers, the sounds and the smells of my melancholy.
It’s the blessing and the curse for the creating artist, as sometimes we want to be curt without trauma and carry on. My mind tends to be overly curious and that’s when the dive occurs. It is as if I want to look at this menace that has occupied my mind so desperately that I swim deeper to the center to look at it. The joke is on me because when I do meet it, my eyes cannot make out its features. It is a blurred image, an out of focus phenomenon that cannot be removed or resolved. This energy has blinded me so what do I do? I either sink my canines into this entity and digest it within my paintings or allow this essence to consume me. Eat or be eaten. Paint or die.
Now, I’m not sure if you really know what I mean when I say “Paint or Die.” It is literally to paint these emotions into art or suffer these pains over and over again at the same intensity. Curse of the artist? Maybe so. One may say that there is positive and negative energy at play in the fertile plains of our minds. I call bullshit. There is only energy as it relates to how we are internally. A positive or negative charge is dependent upon how that energy is used or how we allow that energy to affect us. That is the reason why I could not see the trauma within. It’s not easy to see what exactly is affecting us, as the moving parts of the parasite are hidden.
Let’s look at the ideas of Carl Jung with how he talks about the human mind when he makes reference to human shadow. I interpret the Shadow as a thick density of energy, a mental black hole with the only difference being what goes in will almost always come out but never directly. There is immense power in what is collected there, but we have to be willing to look at it even if we cannot make out its features. If we don’t look into this black hole, it will eventually pull us inside and turn us into a black hole—an empty vessel, constantly looking to pull energy from others. Let's not be that person.
I've realized time and time again that by understanding the potential good and evil of which I am capable gives me more power than if I were to maintain an internal self-righteous rigor samsa that would eventually crumble under the density of my shadow thus resulting in me becoming that shadow. What I try to do is to see the hardened iridescent crystalized coals of my trauma as these magnificent black pearls of creativity. There is this ultimate beauty within the darkness that when slowly pulled apart yields great potential. Potential for good. It's not the taming of any shrew as that is an external manipulative construct. Rather, it’s the taming of the shadow which is an internal accountability that only the brave can attempt. I'm not saying that I’m this high and mighty super being. No, I’m just an artist who is trying to not be consumed by his memories. I'm just a man who has looked in the mirror and seen teeth.
I would like to end by asking: how glorified is the tragic artist? Robbed of their life’s desires and thrown aside to slave over canvases in hopes of squeezing slow salvation through their strokes. How beautiful is the tragic artist? How delicious is their darkness and why are we pulled to this devastation? The answer? I do not know, but what I do realize is that the unresolved misery in all of us loves these tragedies. I know because I love to express my despondence, the act itself is a type of spiny dark cushion I’ve found comfort in time and time again.
Extract from Richard Nattoo’s TEETH GRID I
Jamaican visual artist and writer Richard Nattoo enjoys creating surreal, dreamlike images that explore different human emotions. His works have been displayed at various premier exhibitions locally and internationally. Richard is also a recipient of the 2020 Prime Minister Youth Awards in the Category of Arts and Culture.
Instagram: @djsinista1 Twitter: @djsinista1 Website richardnattoo.com | untitledbynattoo.com
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