Growing up I always swore on my life that no matter what, I’ll never do an abortion. I loved kids and having an abortion was a wicked act! But people will always say tings til they end up in the situation.
A couple of months ago I found myself wondering why I was feeling so much abdominal pain yet I had no period. Like all the signs would add up to pregnancy but I’m like “No! No way it can be.”. Finally, I decided to take a pregnancy test and when I saw that it was positive I sat there and cried wondering what the shit am I to do.
I messaged who I knew was the dad- me and this guy were like best friends. When I told him, him a go ask me if “I’m certain” and tell me “that cya be” and whole bag a sump… Mi aseh to mi self the amount a pain mi a feel (cya eat, cya sleep, cya do nothing) and this breda a come tell mi fuckery.
I told couple people I trusted that I was pregnant, and they were excited and all but I was scared, afraid, lonely. I kept my distance from everybody. I was so afraid to tell my mum and my best friend but I built up the courage to tell my best friend and when I told her, her reaction actually surprised me! She said she would support whatever it is that I decide to do, as much as she would love a lil’ god child.
So one day my mother came to me and asked if I was pregnant I told her yes. The amount a cussing and bad words I got and her immediate thing to say “u betta guh Doctor go wash it out! Ya idiot how fi mek this happen to you, youu no wa drive ur car, have ur house and all a that” It hurt hearing that come from her. She brought me to a gynecologist, when I saw that little person on screen growing inside me I cried. I was given some pills to insert and to come back.
I woke up the next morning feeling nervous and filled with guilt. They made me lay down until I started to bleed, then was taken into a room and placed on a table or whatever it’s called the thing where my legs were spread apart. It was the most uncomfortable thing ever. I got an injection that made me drowsy.
I don’t remember everything clearly but I recall feeling a suction below and the nurse in the room telling me to relax and breathe in breathe out. I’m just there to myself wondering “a weh d bloodclaat do this lady thou?”
When I walked out that building that day I felt empty because I got so used to that child within me. I never pray n bawl suh inna my life before this had happened. I found myself cutting off people that cared about me and meant so much.
I found hard to tell some people because of the stigma that surrounds this specific topic. I started feeling depressed, so I tried to pull myself out of it by trying to talk to people, watching videos, going to the beach etc.
I still communicate with the person who got me pregnant, he did admit to the fact that he is a waste man and all them things deh and he’s really sorry and he knows what I did wasn’t easy. But with all a that, I tell him day in day out that I hate him and hated him very much because it was him and my mother that force me to it- not forcefully but by not having the support it just made me say “fuck this, I ain’t go raise my child without no dad”.
I’m not saying I couldn’t do raise a child on my own, but I was thinking of my child. I was thinking only a few days ago before I wrote this that, if I had the child, it would be a repeat if history because my mother had my older brother at 20 and that was my exact age. Also, my child would be born the exact month as my brother, and I’d always hear my mum’s stories of how she had to raise him by her self.
But what I’m trying to say is that everything happens for a reason and I pray to God that he bless me with a child again.